Ohne dich kann ich nicht sein, ohne dich

all words fade but your name
is burned into my skin
hearts repeating rhythms known
folly and fear keeps them
from beating anew

cold winter numbs
all but my mind
thoughts of you rise to the surface
like so many corpses
floating
rotting
the stench fills my nostrils yet
i can't turn away
my will is weak

bruised inside
perfect outside
the mess you made is invisible
people blind to the pain
but for your name
branded against pale flesh

to break free is to seek
rhythms unknown
dark and unfamilar
fear is great
and yet

the time has come

to enter the dark

"The World Is a Beautiful Place"
by Lawrence Ferlinghetti

The world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don't mind happiness
not always being
so very much fun
if you don't mind a touch of hell
now and then
just when everything is fine
because even in heaven
they don't sing
all the time

The world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don't mind some people dying
all the time
or maybe only starving
some of the time
which isn't half bad
if it isn't you

Oh the world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don't much mind
a few dead minds
in the higher places
or a bomb or two
now and then
in your upturned faces
or such other improprieties
as our Name Brand society
is prey to
with its men of distinction
and its men of extinction
and its priests
and other patrolmen

and its various segregations
and congressional investigations
and other constipations
that our fool flesh
is heir to

Yes the world is the best place of all
for a lot of such things as
making the fun scene
and making the love scene
and making the sad scene
and singing low songs and having inspirations
and walking around
looking at everything
and smelling flowers
and goosing statues
and even thinking
and kissing people and
making babies and wearing pants
and waving hats and
dancing
and going swimming in rivers
on picnics
in the middle of the summer
and just generally
'living it up'
Yes
but then right in the middle of it
comes the smiling
mortician

Mr Bojangles and I are homeless. Awesome!

That was sarcasm. What a welcome home from tour. I had the most amazing experience of my life and hellooooo SHIT.

I owe you an apology. I owe your husband one too. I believed what Kat told me and I haven't said much to you for the past few days because I couldn't believe you would be married to someone like that. I was angry at you for not supporting Kat, and now I find out she was the one who was fucking up, the hitting her thing not withstanding. That was still pretty shitty, but now I have context and I know his mother and she's awesome. So I guess I know that's not all there is to know about him.

I'm so sorry. I fell for it hook, line and sinker. Mea culpa. I haven't been much fun, and I promise to lighten up right away. I guess I just...saw a little of me in Kat and I was projecting. That's why I'm pissed off at her but I can't tell her to fuck off. It'd only make things worse.

She really does feel horrible and so she should. She did a terrible thing. I guess I just needed to say...I'm back on your side. And when we're back home again, I'd love to meet your husband. He sounds like a wonderful guy from everything Lavinia's said.

She is amazing by the way. She called you her son so at first I thought she was was your mother. I guess it's pretty cool to have a mother-in-law who is so thoroughly accepting. I hope my mums will be like that! They're more of the 'best friend' type of ladies though. They don't really do the 'mum' thing.

I'm rambling. I think you're awesome and I'm sorry.

Hahahaha! Charity went home last night (that's my sister, BTW) and she found our mothers on the kitchen floor, locked in a ritual rather more intimate than what they were supposed to be doing, which was sending good vibes into the ether for me.

I don't want your sex vibes, mums!

Charity says she is scarred for life and it's all my fault. Wah wah wah, little sister. Be thankful they're doing that instead of hating each other with their eyes!

I got in. I'm in Spectre's band, which is touring the US in.... Twelve days.

Twelve Days.

I got in because the poor woman they gave the spot to was killed and it's horrible and I feel really guilty. But I'm still leaving for America in twelve days and that's huge.

I didn't make it. But I did my best. Guess I'm not ready for the big time. Or the any time. Back to my little cafe for me. Though I DO think the girl who got it is the singer's girlfriend, so that doesn't make me feel so shit.

I'm at Godric's and I think I'll spend the night. Gryffindor needs the company.

I guess I'll look in to selling my flat tomorrow. And finding a similarly priced shithole to move in to.

I'm a little calmer and less dramatic, so here.

( Clean )

There are a lot of things I wish I could change. But I can't change any of it. I'm too afraid to go home. I'm hiding at the Greenway's, which feels pathetic. I think I'm going to have to sell my little flat, which breaks my heart. But it just doesn't feel right anymore.

I'm going to audition for a band. Wish me luck.

sunlight warms my naked skin
the outside world radiates with light
i feel nothing but cold within
i close my eyes to keep the sight
of living away

is this happiness?
your hands touch my chest
and feel not the frigid stone
the wanton dead woman inside
the heart that beats but
never loves

you see promise in my eyes
you fall hard and fast
you believe all the lies
my spell has been cast
you innocent thing

you are warmth and comfort
i am snow and ice
in time you will see
my secret revealed, hidden from view
beneath a benign cloak of devotion
lies
the heart
of a snake