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Friends Only
May. 11th, 2010 05:48 pmHey, Ben, my mothers are doing a spell on you. For fortitude or...virility or something.
If you turn into a chicken or various, at least we'll know who to blame. I accidentally walked into their circle again and upset their guides. So then I had to walk around the room for ten minutes ringing a bell so I could cleanse the space.
The things I learned as a child are so not the things other people learned...
In addition, my mothers told me I am perfect as I am and if I prescribed to man's ideals on a woman's body they would disown me, and despite knowing that to be an empty threat, I'm taking it on board. If Spectre wants to take the label offer from Roadrunner, I'm out of the band. I can find something else that makes me happy and doesn't ask me to be something I'm not. Luckily, I know Spectre better than that.
I have been so blessed.
My mothers probably did a spell :D
If you turn into a chicken or various, at least we'll know who to blame. I accidentally walked into their circle again and upset their guides. So then I had to walk around the room for ten minutes ringing a bell so I could cleanse the space.
The things I learned as a child are so not the things other people learned...
In addition, my mothers told me I am perfect as I am and if I prescribed to man's ideals on a woman's body they would disown me, and despite knowing that to be an empty threat, I'm taking it on board. If Spectre wants to take the label offer from Roadrunner, I'm out of the band. I can find something else that makes me happy and doesn't ask me to be something I'm not. Luckily, I know Spectre better than that.
I have been so blessed.
My mothers probably did a spell :D
Friends Only
May. 10th, 2010 12:42 amSometimes shit sucks, and at the moment my self-worth has gone down the toilet. Still I'm surrounded by beauty. No, really.
( Look )
( Look )
Friends Only
May. 9th, 2010 02:06 am( I'm Just Me )
I'm not perfect, and I'm not a god damn beauty queen, but I'm real.
What the hell is wrong with that?
I'm not perfect, and I'm not a god damn beauty queen, but I'm real.
What the hell is wrong with that?
Filtered to Leon
May. 9th, 2010 01:22 amLeon...
I am so embarrassed.
Spectre's been dealing with some shite lately which means the new album isn't due to start recording for two weeks. And that's kind of when it was supposed to be done... Our label doesn't want to continue with us because we're taking too long. That's not the problem, however. Roadrunner Records wants to pick Spectre up and that's a big deal. It's a much bigger label and that's great and everything but apparently they have a stipulation in mind.
If I stay with the band, I have to lose weight.
Spectre went off his nut at them, but so far they're the only other label that want us. And can I really justify everyone else losing their jobs because I'm a fatty?
I feel like shit. Absolute shit. I am in shape, I dance, I work in a cafe, I walk everywhere. I'm very healthy because my mothers are big hippies. I'm just curvy. To lose more weight, I would actually have to be unhealthy and I'm not willing to do that!
I don't know what to do. And I don't want anyone else to know.
I am so embarrassed.
Spectre's been dealing with some shite lately which means the new album isn't due to start recording for two weeks. And that's kind of when it was supposed to be done... Our label doesn't want to continue with us because we're taking too long. That's not the problem, however. Roadrunner Records wants to pick Spectre up and that's a big deal. It's a much bigger label and that's great and everything but apparently they have a stipulation in mind.
If I stay with the band, I have to lose weight.
Spectre went off his nut at them, but so far they're the only other label that want us. And can I really justify everyone else losing their jobs because I'm a fatty?
I feel like shit. Absolute shit. I am in shape, I dance, I work in a cafe, I walk everywhere. I'm very healthy because my mothers are big hippies. I'm just curvy. To lose more weight, I would actually have to be unhealthy and I'm not willing to do that!
I don't know what to do. And I don't want anyone else to know.
Friends Only
May. 6th, 2010 06:25 pmSo I keep having dreams about people standing in front of me and then their eyes turn blood red and then they turn into zombies and I have to kill them by tearing their heads off.
-because in my dream, I can somehow manage this with my bare hands-
Soooo subconsciously, spending a week in hospital, hardly sleeping, and then seeing someone collapse and bleed into their eyes is apparently not good for you.
All zombie dreams aside, I should do something else tonight. Movie? Dinner? Show? Write music in my room for the next two days and then emerge wondering how long it's been? I can't decide, I've lost my ability to decideyness.
Actually? I think I'm going to go find Charity and drag her over to see our mums. Getting mum-spoiled sounds like the Best Thing Ever.
-because in my dream, I can somehow manage this with my bare hands-
Soooo subconsciously, spending a week in hospital, hardly sleeping, and then seeing someone collapse and bleed into their eyes is apparently not good for you.
All zombie dreams aside, I should do something else tonight. Movie? Dinner? Show? Write music in my room for the next two days and then emerge wondering how long it's been? I can't decide, I've lost my ability to decideyness.
Actually? I think I'm going to go find Charity and drag her over to see our mums. Getting mum-spoiled sounds like the Best Thing Ever.
Friends Only
May. 4th, 2010 06:04 pmTHIS HOSPITAL IS GOING TO EAT ME ALIVE!
Peter Kemp just came in here to check on Noah, and the second he got in the DOOR he dropped to the floor and had a seizure. Noah couldn't help him and so he told me what to do (Pillow, check) and then...AND THEN Peter had ANOTHER SEIZURE after the first one and Noah called a nurse and then Peter fucking Kemp started bleeding from his eyes.
Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god. HIS EYES! That was one of the most fucked up things I have ever seen ever and now no one will tell me whether or not he's okay, but there's a hell of a lot of fucking bustle and his wife is swearing at someone in Spanish, or I assume so because I don't speak Spanish, but it sounds like swearing and oh dear god seizures should diaf.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
I need to fucking drink myself to death tonight I think.
Peter Kemp just came in here to check on Noah, and the second he got in the DOOR he dropped to the floor and had a seizure. Noah couldn't help him and so he told me what to do (Pillow, check) and then...AND THEN Peter had ANOTHER SEIZURE after the first one and Noah called a nurse and then Peter fucking Kemp started bleeding from his eyes.
Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god. HIS EYES! That was one of the most fucked up things I have ever seen ever and now no one will tell me whether or not he's okay, but there's a hell of a lot of fucking bustle and his wife is swearing at someone in Spanish, or I assume so because I don't speak Spanish, but it sounds like swearing and oh dear god seizures should diaf.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
I need to fucking drink myself to death tonight I think.
Friends Only
May. 2nd, 2010 10:08 pmI got Noah to eat soup! He still gagged when he tried to eat something solid, but he managed the soup. I'm wondering if it isn't something physical then? He said the act of swallowing felt horrible and after I giggled, I wondered if that meant it wasn't his medication or something like that.
Ian was there though. Apparently Ian visited him solely to say that Emily was having a hard time and Noah should go easy on her. Now I adore Emily. She always made me feel loved and put up with my every childhood whim, and that means a lot. I do not like Ian. And the fact that he went to visit my incredible injured friend to tell him how to act makes me want to BREAK HIM IN HALF! I won't but seriously. Noah can't move and he's in pain and he just realised he won't finish university when he thought he would, and he hasn't eaten in days (the soup was after that...) and FUCK OFF!
Now I have ranted. I'm going to go blow off some steam.
Ian was there though. Apparently Ian visited him solely to say that Emily was having a hard time and Noah should go easy on her. Now I adore Emily. She always made me feel loved and put up with my every childhood whim, and that means a lot. I do not like Ian. And the fact that he went to visit my incredible injured friend to tell him how to act makes me want to BREAK HIM IN HALF! I won't but seriously. Noah can't move and he's in pain and he just realised he won't finish university when he thought he would, and he hasn't eaten in days (the soup was after that...) and FUCK OFF!
Now I have ranted. I'm going to go blow off some steam.
Friends Only
May. 2nd, 2010 12:48 amI have Noah's vomit all over me.
Yeah. When someone says they're not hungry? If you force them to eat, you'll probably get vomited on. Fuck.
Yeah. When someone says they're not hungry? If you force them to eat, you'll probably get vomited on. Fuck.
Filtered to Daria, Ben and Godric
May. 1st, 2010 11:27 pmNoah still won't eat. You guys, I am freaking out. He says he isn't hungry, but he looks so unwell. Which I know...he has pneumonia and he was hurt, but this is different. This is his eyes. They're all dull. I remember watching Godric waste away and I refuse to let Noah do it too.
What should we do?
What should we do?
Private and then filtered to Razvan
Apr. 30th, 2010 12:02 amI hate it when you're sad.
I feel like a kid. It's scary to realise someone you look up to so much is just human. When someone who seems so brave to you because you built them up that way, looks utterly terrified...it means the world really is a terrifying place.
Hi, Razvan. That was all about Ben. I don't know what to say to him really, because he was so scared and that just meant there was nowhere to look for strength. Which isn't his fault at all; he almost lost his son. It was just...a little world-shattering, that's all.
I'm scared of everything right now. Could Noah relapse again? Could Pat find him? Could Pat find Ben and Andy?!
God, fuck.
I feel like a kid. It's scary to realise someone you look up to so much is just human. When someone who seems so brave to you because you built them up that way, looks utterly terrified...it means the world really is a terrifying place.
Hi, Razvan. That was all about Ben. I don't know what to say to him really, because he was so scared and that just meant there was nowhere to look for strength. Which isn't his fault at all; he almost lost his son. It was just...a little world-shattering, that's all.
I'm scared of everything right now. Could Noah relapse again? Could Pat find him? Could Pat find Ben and Andy?!
God, fuck.
Ben? Are you getting sleep? Have you EATEN in the past week? I am going to come take care of you, tell me where you are!
Also? Noah is requesting that you come read to him like you used to because he is SO CUTE and I'm pretty sure it makes him feel safe. I know it always made me feel that way. Which means I am coming too!
Though taking a break might be good if you haven't. I'm bringing you stirfry. It's awesome.
We should try to get Noah to eat some too, he looks peaky :(
(Also, I'm kind of still freaking out, but look how I pretend I'm not!)
I love you so much, you know? I really, really do. And I promise I'll try my damnedest never to scare you like this ♥
Also? Noah is requesting that you come read to him like you used to because he is SO CUTE and I'm pretty sure it makes him feel safe. I know it always made me feel that way. Which means I am coming too!
Though taking a break might be good if you haven't. I'm bringing you stirfry. It's awesome.
We should try to get Noah to eat some too, he looks peaky :(
(Also, I'm kind of still freaking out, but look how I pretend I'm not!)
I love you so much, you know? I really, really do. And I promise I'll try my damnedest never to scare you like this ♥
Friends Only
Apr. 27th, 2010 09:10 pmNoah.
Noah has been a part of my life since I have been in possession of it. Or at least as long as I can remember. When we were kids we did everything together. We played together, slept together, laughed together, cried together. Hell, we took baths together. We created an entire fantasy world in my mothers' back yard which I believe was inhabited by Aslan, this witch from a series of books about child witches, and Legolas. We played doctor, but...he was actually pretending to be a doctor and he would wrap me in toilet paper and announce to our parents he ad 'fixed me'. Good luck, dear Noah. We had a secret language we believed only we understood, though now looking back, our parents probably understood every single pretend word we used.
Noah was my first kiss. Back before I considered him a brother and he was my best friend. Neither of us knew how to kiss so we decided to learn. We watched some cheesy romantic film and acted it out like idiots in the attic bedroom I used to live in at my mothers' house. It was exactly how I would have wanted my first kiss. Happy and safe and silly, and with the best friend I could have ever asked for. I was his first in other ways as well. Kids will be kids. He was a self-professed 'losery geek', though that couldn't have been further from the truth. He wanted to have the experience and I wanted to give that to my best friend.
No one has ever meant as much to me as Noah, save for my parents (my dear Ben included) and my sister. We have been so much for each other. I told him about the first time I kissed a girl. He told me about the only time he kissed a boy. We have shared secrets and experiences and I love him with absolutely all of my jaded and stony little heart.
He's taken a turn for the worse, and he cannot possibly cease to be. I can't fathom it. I refuse to accept it. Noah told me he would be okay. I choose to believe he is right.
Noah, after all, would never lie.
Noah has been a part of my life since I have been in possession of it. Or at least as long as I can remember. When we were kids we did everything together. We played together, slept together, laughed together, cried together. Hell, we took baths together. We created an entire fantasy world in my mothers' back yard which I believe was inhabited by Aslan, this witch from a series of books about child witches, and Legolas. We played doctor, but...he was actually pretending to be a doctor and he would wrap me in toilet paper and announce to our parents he ad 'fixed me'. Good luck, dear Noah. We had a secret language we believed only we understood, though now looking back, our parents probably understood every single pretend word we used.
Noah was my first kiss. Back before I considered him a brother and he was my best friend. Neither of us knew how to kiss so we decided to learn. We watched some cheesy romantic film and acted it out like idiots in the attic bedroom I used to live in at my mothers' house. It was exactly how I would have wanted my first kiss. Happy and safe and silly, and with the best friend I could have ever asked for. I was his first in other ways as well. Kids will be kids. He was a self-professed 'losery geek', though that couldn't have been further from the truth. He wanted to have the experience and I wanted to give that to my best friend.
No one has ever meant as much to me as Noah, save for my parents (my dear Ben included) and my sister. We have been so much for each other. I told him about the first time I kissed a girl. He told me about the only time he kissed a boy. We have shared secrets and experiences and I love him with absolutely all of my jaded and stony little heart.
He's taken a turn for the worse, and he cannot possibly cease to be. I can't fathom it. I refuse to accept it. Noah told me he would be okay. I choose to believe he is right.
Noah, after all, would never lie.
Friends Only
Apr. 25th, 2010 12:16 amSomeone fucked up my brother, and I swear to Christ I want to fuck that someone up right back.
No one should ever EVER hurt my Noah. Goddammit. And when I went to see him in the hospital, he was lying there all punctured lung and broken bones and gunshot wound and he smiled at me, told me he loved me, and not to worry about him. Fucking hell I love that Noah.
I'm locking myself in my room and I'm painting until I don't feel like murdering people or cutting their stupid faces off.
No one should ever EVER hurt my Noah. Goddammit. And when I went to see him in the hospital, he was lying there all punctured lung and broken bones and gunshot wound and he smiled at me, told me he loved me, and not to worry about him. Fucking hell I love that Noah.
I'm locking myself in my room and I'm painting until I don't feel like murdering people or cutting their stupid faces off.
Friends Only
Apr. 18th, 2010 06:05 pmLast night was epic. I remember most of it. First the girls and Leon decorated the house with bras, knickers and a rather amusingly placed pair of boxers (Leon put it on one of the angels) and then Leon and I escaped and indulged in green curry, wine, and a new album, Evelyn and Evelyn. Which is awesome.
I do not remember what happened later. I did wake up naked in Leon's bed, but I tend to do that anyway. It was an awesome night.
( See?! )
I do not remember what happened later. I did wake up naked in Leon's bed, but I tend to do that anyway. It was an awesome night.
( See?! )
Friends Only
Apr. 17th, 2010 03:46 amIt just fucking hit me that I am in the process of helping to create an album. That people are going to buy. Touring was one thing, because I have my gigs in the city that people come to, so I'm used to playing my mus for peeps, even if doing a metal concert is very different from a lovely gig in Trafalgar Square. But I have never ever had imput on something that was recorded and existed for people to play in their homes. Well. Besides the DVD and the live stuff...
It's weird. It's a heady feeling, but kind of frightening as well. Like...if I write shitty shite Spectre and his drogies might kick me out for being derivative or un-Prog, or all-around lame... Not that I think Spectre and his drogies are like that...
It feels a bit like responsibility. Which I'm actually good at when it comes to me, and a staff of thirteen at Mariposa. But being responsible to people...and to thousands of people all over the world? (I even have to friends-lock this because people read this now. I have fans...)
Holy.Fucking.Shit.
It's weird. It's a heady feeling, but kind of frightening as well. Like...if I write shitty shite Spectre and his drogies might kick me out for being derivative or un-Prog, or all-around lame... Not that I think Spectre and his drogies are like that...
It feels a bit like responsibility. Which I'm actually good at when it comes to me, and a staff of thirteen at Mariposa. But being responsible to people...and to thousands of people all over the world? (I even have to friends-lock this because people read this now. I have fans...)
Holy.Fucking.Shit.
Filtered to Leon
Mar. 23rd, 2010 06:11 pmThere must be something in the water.
Seriously, are you like...out of control horny? Because I am. And now all my friends are okay and I want to celebrate.
Wine and sex? My room? We can do it in a bed this time!
Seriously, are you like...out of control horny? Because I am. And now all my friends are okay and I want to celebrate.
Wine and sex? My room? We can do it in a bed this time!
Filtered to the band and Peter
Jan. 25th, 2010 06:10 pmSo...Razvan had to save me from my crazy, fucked up ex last night. Jason followed me home and he...well I don't know what he was trying to do. Convince me he was going to rape me, actually rape me, just scare me, hurt me...I don't know, but Razvan was there and he said Jason was a demon and apparently so is he and so is Deirdre and Spectre, you're an angel and Timothy and Flynn totally know...
That's a bit of a headspin and I was freaking out so I told Noah too. He'll keep it quiet. I think he thinks I'm nuts. I kind of do too, but Razvan showed me his wings and I knew he was safe because he did save me and I spent the night in his arms and I'm fine.
Just...had to get that out there. See you soon, I guess.
That's a bit of a headspin and I was freaking out so I told Noah too. He'll keep it quiet. I think he thinks I'm nuts. I kind of do too, but Razvan showed me his wings and I knew he was safe because he did save me and I spent the night in his arms and I'm fine.
Just...had to get that out there. See you soon, I guess.
Friends Only
Jan. 23rd, 2010 11:15 pmToday is the twentieth anniversary of my father's death, and I spent it at my friends' wedding. I can't think of a better way to spend a day, mind you. Flynn and Quinn epitomise love in a way rarely seen outside of epic romances that are always disappointing for their fictional nature.
I don't miss my father for the very simple reason that I never knew him. When I was old enough to know I didn't have a dad and maybe that was a little strange, I had Ben. He was dating my mother, and his children became my siblings. When my mother and Ben split, it was amicable and they remained friends. Ben remained that constant fatherly figure in my life. I went to him when I scraped my knees and when I needed money for the tube or a bite to eat. Though that makes it sound like I didn't have those things when I did. It was just a kid thing. 'I spent all my money on lollies and now I can't get any real food and home is far away, can I also have money for the tube'.
Today isn't a day I grieve for a man I lost, though I do know he was a good man and I wish I had known him. Today is a day I am grateful I didn't lack for anything growing up. I did not have my father, but I had my Dad.
( Ben! )
Everyone should be as lucky as I am.
I don't miss my father for the very simple reason that I never knew him. When I was old enough to know I didn't have a dad and maybe that was a little strange, I had Ben. He was dating my mother, and his children became my siblings. When my mother and Ben split, it was amicable and they remained friends. Ben remained that constant fatherly figure in my life. I went to him when I scraped my knees and when I needed money for the tube or a bite to eat. Though that makes it sound like I didn't have those things when I did. It was just a kid thing. 'I spent all my money on lollies and now I can't get any real food and home is far away, can I also have money for the tube'.
Today isn't a day I grieve for a man I lost, though I do know he was a good man and I wish I had known him. Today is a day I am grateful I didn't lack for anything growing up. I did not have my father, but I had my Dad.
( Ben! )
Everyone should be as lucky as I am.
